My Sick Sad World

I realize that this blog is more than a bit morose and self-involved right now. Until these feelings of loss are no longer in the forefront, my writing is not going to change. Before anyone should freak at today's entry, I'm not planning to off myself and this is not a twisted farewell to a sick sad world. I am just giving a voice to the struggle within me as I search for a way to carry on.

I grieve for you
You leave me
'so hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on

• from “I Grieve” by Peter Gabriel

All around me, I can see that life carries on. Each morning, the sun rises and the birds sing outside my window, but I don't want to carry on. Life is dragging me along as I desperately try to hold onto a moment, but the moment is slipping away. Life beacons me to get back on the ride and to carry on, but often I feel like turning away and getting off the ride, just so that I can maintain my grasp on a moment that no longer exists. The moment is forever gone and all that remains is the memory of that moment and that memory will only remain as long as I stay on the ride.

From the tone of the blog, you can probably guess that today has been rough. Days when I can get into a groove and run on automatic, go fairly well. On days like today, I struggle with between the desire to either submerge myself in the pleasure and the pain of my memories, or to run until I find a place without memories, a place where I can be comfortably numb. But regardless of my desires, the sun will come up in the morning, the birds will be nosily singing outside my window, and I will carry on another day.