Angry Old Man

I am slowly turning back into the person I was before I met Kathy. 20 years ago, I lived in Huntsville Alabama and was a very angry man. When Kathy and I became a couple, all of my anger seemed to melt away. But, during the last few weeks it has started to reappear, and today it exploded all over my coworkers.

When I lived in Huntsville, my work was my life. Everyone I knew, and everyone I interacted with was related to my work. When I wasn't at work, I spent my time in my apartment feeling alone and bitter, just waiting until it was time to go back to work. Over the 5 1/2 years I lived in Huntsville, the anger and frustration I felt slowly built up. During my last year in Huntsville I lead a small team doing field testing. It wasn't uncommon for me to blow up when I became frustrated with something someone on my team did. I was also known for being rather foulmouthed.

In one instance, another team leader and I got into a screaming match over a set of keys. My team, since we did field work in a field often knee-deep in mud was assigned a new four-wheel drive truck. We got the truck because it wasn't uncommon for us to get stuck in the mud several times a day. When the new truck first arrived, I grabbed the spare set of keys and kept them in my desk. Since we were not in the field every day, I told the other teams that the truck was available for their use if we didn't need it. This didn't set well with some of the teams, because they had to come ask us for the keys keep use the truck. So, to make everyone happy, my manager decided that he should keep the spare truck keys, and he would let anyone have them if we didn't need the truck. One morning, while my manager was on vacation, someone came in far out our truck keys because the spare set was locked in the manager's office. After lunch, we needed to set up for a new test, so I went to retrieve the borrowed keys. The person who borrowed the truck keys told me that he had left them at home, in another pair of pants, when he changed clothes during lunch. Well, I told the guy he could fucking well go home and get the keys. His team leader didn't appreciate my attitude, and we ended up in a screaming match. In the and, I got a hydraulic bolt cutter to remove the lock from my manager store and retrieve the spare truck keys.

A few days later, when my manager returned from vacation, I was given a talking to about the incident. Strangely enough, I got in trouble about cussing loudly where the women in the office could hear me. Nothing was ever said about taking a set of bolt cutters to my manager's door. By the way, I never returned the spare keys. Incidents like this were not unusual during my last year in Huntsville.

After Kathy came into my life, all of that anger seemed to melt away. Best not to say that I didn't get angry, or that it had entirely disappeared. But it was no longer in the forefront, and it didn't rule my life. I was really surprised 10 years ago, when a coworker told me that I was to meek, and that I needed to be more forceful when meeting the heads of other departments. This really shocked me, because it had not occurred to me, before then, that I was no longer the angry man I had been.

Since Kathy's death, my reservoir of anger and frustration have been growing, particularly in the last few weeks. I have to monitor myself to minimize my use of outline. It's like the filter that I had placed on my mouth, was gone. I've also noticed my growing frustration with work and everything in general.

Then today, things boiled over during a team meeting. I wanted the team to do something, and was becoming increasingly frustrated at my inability to convince them that my request was a good idea. Then when they appeared to be a boring me while they joked about this, I blew up. I was able to get myself back under control fairly quickly, but the damage had already been done. Wake up and realize they were just blowing off steam, and there was no reason for me to take this as a personal attack.

I appeared to be becoming an angry old man, bitter and alone. I don't want to return to being the type of person I was before meeting Kathy. I don't want everyone to either fear or hate me, and I don't want work to become the center of my life again.

Matinee or Happy Birthdayto Me

WTF! Today I am 49 years old. One more year and I'll hit the big 50. I have to say, I never thought I would make it this far, but here I am. I've not done much for my birthday this year, other than go see a movie yesterday afternoon. (More about the movie shortly.) Haven't felt that I had much to celebrate.

I did do a few things to treat myself for this birthday. Yesterday I went to see the movie "Green Lantern". The movie wasn't too bad, a decent way to waste several hours on a hot and muggy day. But I have to say, the movie theater experience did not impress me. The theater itself wasn't too bad, stadium seating and the seats were nice. But, nine dollars to see frickin matinee. In the real shock was the concession stand, one medium soft drink and one small popcorn costs $11.25. Now I admit it's been a few years since I've been to the movies, three to be exact, but who the hell is willing to pay 20 bucks to see a movie. For the price I paid for my matinee ticket, I can watch as many movies as I want in the Netflix online catalog every month. Needless to say, it will probably be another three years at least before I see another movie in the theater.

For my other birthday treat, I cleaned out part of the living room and set up the electric piano I bought Kathy about 12 years ago. It's a nice piano, an 88–key Yamaha P–200. So now I'm trying to teach myself piano again. I also plan to get some new strings for my guitar so I can start playing it again too.

It's been more than 10 days since my last blog post, and I found it very difficult to write anything. I did write about 1000 words on possible scene during the last few days, but nothing serious. The issue hasn't been a lack of ideas for things to say it's just been really hard to force myself to sit down and write. Actually, been hard to force myself to sit down and do anything other than read or play mindless computer games.

One thing I did do last week, in the hopes that it would make writing a little easier or at least different, I bought the latest version of Dragon NaturallySpeaking. (This blog post has been composed using Dragon.) I've owned previous versions of this program and found it lacking. I don't know what it is about the way I speak, but the older versions founded difficult to understand me. This latest version has been great, it understands most everything I say, even with the background noise of the window air conditioner close by. Learning to dictate instead of type have been a little weird, because my speaking style and my writing style are very different. So, I have to work out in my head exactly what I want to say and then consciously think about saying it. I'm getting better and hope my productivity improves.

That's about it for tonight, I hope to post something else tomorrow.

Review: Time Enough for Love

Time Enough for Love by Robert A. Heinlein

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


This is my all time favorite book. I first read "Time Enough for Love" as a teenager in 1978, and at that impressionable age, it formed much of my outlook on life and relationships. Pretty sick, considering that we're talking about Heinlein and some of the relationships that occur in this story. But, Heinlein makes a good point of showing how little most of us understand about what love is and what it can be.



View all my reviews

Inspiration and Discpline

 

After dumping some of the excess pain I've been feeling on you last week, (if I'm not happy, why should you be) it's been difficult for me to put together another entry for my blog. The problem has not been a lack of ideas or inspiration. I'm just being lazy.

I have several dozen stories, short and long, that I've started over the last year, but only a few are finished. As a writer, my biggest problem is that I'm a binge writer. When inspiration comes, I have to spend a few days mulling it over in my mind and working myself up into a frenzy. When I do sit down to write, I'll spend 6 to 10 hours straight writing and if I don't finish at least the first draft then, I probably never will. This has to change, if I every want to seriously write. The issue is a lack of discipline.

My current favorite means of distraction, from writing or much of anything else, is reading. As a teenager, I used to immerse myself into a story, shutting out the rest of the world. Recently, I've started doing this again. Living vicariously through the characters.

If I want to do this, I need to develop (learn) the discipline to set down and write one or two thousand words a day. I'll try to put up an occasional update on my progress. Maybe I can guilt-trip myself into showing a little more discipline. (One of the reasons I started this blog is so I would at lease write a few paragraphs of something everyday.)

I've found a great tool to help me with this, Write or Die. It's a great tool for writer's that forces you to focus on just writing. You can give it goals for a writing session, it keeps tabs on the word count and time and gives you warnings when you're not keeping up. Anyway, this evening I wrote 697 words on a story in one hour and another 325 words writing this blog post.

Friends and Family

I'm feeling a bit better today. I have a sinus and ear infection. I want to thank my friends, Chris and Kathy, for the wonderful dinner we had together this evening.

PARTING.

My life closed twice before its close;

It yet remains to see

If Immortality unveil

A third event to me,

So huge, so hopeless to conceive,

As these that twice befell.

Parting is all we know of heaven,

And all we need of hell.

Emily Dickinson

One thing that has helped me since Kathy's death is the support of friends and family. They have stepped up to provide their support and companionship.

Before I met Kathy, I had been a loner my entire life. Growing up, my family moved every few years. Between kindergarten and graduating high school, I attended seven different schools in six different locations. As a result, I had few, if any, friends, and tended to not keep in touch after moving. Before moving to Washington, the longest I'd ever lived anywhere was five and a half years.

Since moving to Washington, to be with Kathy, I've lived in the same house for 20 years and I'm still in contact with many of the friends I've made since moving here.

I find is difficult to accept help from others, and during the last month I've spent days at home alone not speaking to anyone. My tendency is to crawl into a hole and hide myself away. But, I can't do this alone, especially right now. To make it through, I need to accept the love and support of my family and friends

To everyone who has been there to offer their friendship, companionship, or just someone to talk to, I want to say thank you. And, if you should ever need it, I hope I can be just as good a friend to you someday.

Chris, thanks for being there tonight and talking with me about things that go boom.

Sick

Ever since Kathy's accident, I've been really stressed with all the classic symptoms of someone grieving. I've been so stressed, that I've been expecting to come down with some kind of bug, and now I have.  I was surprised that it didn't happen sooner. It seems to be a stomach bug, since I'm starting to feel better now.

That's all I have today.  I've slept most of the day and I'm going back to bed soon.
Good Night

Love and Loss

If you were bummed-out by yesterday's blog entry, you should be happy to know the today's entry contains a modicum of angst instead of the heavy-duty concentrated angst I put out yesterday. The purpose of this blog is to give me an outlet to deal with these feelings before they completely eat away at me. Besides, if you think yesterday's blog was dark, you should try reading some of the fiction I've been trying to produce.

Today's philosophical discourse concerns one of Lord Tennyson's most famous quotes, “'Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.”

I envy not in any moods

The captive void of noble rage,

The linnet born within the cage,

That never knew the summer woods:

I envy not the beast that takes

His license in the field of time,

Unfetter'd by the sense of crime,

To whom a conscience never wakes;

Nor, what may count itself as blest,

The heart that never plighted troth

But stagnates in the weeds of sloth;

Nor any want-begotten rest.

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all. 

"In Memoriam A.H.H" Canto XXVII

by Lord Tennyson

Most often this stanza is applied to failed romantic relationships, but what Tennyson is really talking about is grief. The point Tennyson makes is that to love someone is what separates us from beasts and is what makes us human. The heart that stays hidden and protected from the possible pains of the world will never know the joy and pleasure of truly loving someone, and no better that any beast in the wood or field, without conscience.

I don't completely agree with what Tennyson is trying to say, but I do agree that the pain, loss, and grief are worth the joy and pleasure of loving someone. The reality of our psyches is that they are incomplete until we open ourselves to allow someone in. My time with Kathy is the only time I have felt whole and complete. Which is why I feel the way I do now. My psyche, made whole and completed by the love I shared with Kathy is now broken and fractured.

If I had a chance to do it all over again, I could never give up beauty of what we had together, just to avoid the pain and loss I suffer with today.

My Sick Sad World

I realize that this blog is more than a bit morose and self-involved right now. Until these feelings of loss are no longer in the forefront, my writing is not going to change. Before anyone should freak at today's entry, I'm not planning to off myself and this is not a twisted farewell to a sick sad world. I am just giving a voice to the struggle within me as I search for a way to carry on.

I grieve for you
You leave me
'so hard to move on
Still loving what's gone
They say life carries on
Carries on and on and on and on

• from “I Grieve” by Peter Gabriel

All around me, I can see that life carries on. Each morning, the sun rises and the birds sing outside my window, but I don't want to carry on. Life is dragging me along as I desperately try to hold onto a moment, but the moment is slipping away. Life beacons me to get back on the ride and to carry on, but often I feel like turning away and getting off the ride, just so that I can maintain my grasp on a moment that no longer exists. The moment is forever gone and all that remains is the memory of that moment and that memory will only remain as long as I stay on the ride.

From the tone of the blog, you can probably guess that today has been rough. Days when I can get into a groove and run on automatic, go fairly well. On days like today, I struggle with between the desire to either submerge myself in the pleasure and the pain of my memories, or to run until I find a place without memories, a place where I can be comfortably numb. But regardless of my desires, the sun will come up in the morning, the birds will be nosily singing outside my window, and I will carry on another day.

Respect, Trust, and Love

Here is an unfinished essay I wrote for Kathy, my wife, to explain feelings about relationships, particularly, our relationship.

Respect, Trust, and Love: An Open Letter to my Wife

(August 25, 2010)

Kathy,

I am writing this because it is something I feel I need to say to you. But it is difficult to find the words to convey what I feel. I know these thoughts ramble around as I try to find the language needed to show you how deeply I love and cherish you.

Recently I read that the key attributes to a deep lasting relationship are respect, trust, and love. The basic concept being that true love can not exist without trust, and trust can not exist without respect. Or put another way, first you must respect someone before you are willing to trust them, and you truly trust someone, to allow them access to you heart, before you can fall in love with them. But what does it mean to respect, trust and love.

Respect

Respect - esteem for or a sense of the worth or excellence of a person, a personal quality or ability, or something considered as a manifestation of a personal quality or ability: I have great respect for her judgment. ( respect. Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com Unabridged. Random House, Inc. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/respect (accessed: August 25, 2010).

When talking about respect, I do not mean respect in terms of ethics, knowledge, intelligence, emotions, professionalism, ability, etc. The is respect of a someone as a whole person, not just some aspects. To see the person as having value in all the things they say or do or think. Respect also means not belittling, dismissing, or discounting, but instead offering support, understanding, and consideration. Respect does not mean that you have to agree to everything the other says or does, but it does mean that you give consideration and understanding even when you do not agree.

Kathy, I do respect you and value all that you say and do. I never want to belittle, discount, or dismiss you or anything about you. Never have I respected someone completely as I respect you.

Trust

Trust - to place confidence in (someone to do something); have faith (in); rely (upon): I trust him to tell her (Trust. Dictionary.com. Collins English Dictionary - Complete & Unabridged 10th Edition. HarperCollins Publishers. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Trust (accessed: August 25, 2010). )

To truly trust someone is difficult, because it requires opening oneself to the possibility of being hurt in deep and profound ways. Our inner self is delicate and easily damaged. As we grow, we build defenses around this part of ourselves to hide it away from the world and to keep others from wounding our core. Because to be hurt hear, affects all that we are, all that we believe, say and do. To allow another access to our inner self requires respect that the other will to do no harm, but to understand and cherish the value of such openness.

It seems to me that people rarely develop trust in another. Sometimes, they have been hurt in the past, and are never able to allow open trust in another for fear of being hurt again. Others, seem to expose just a little piece of themselves, with the expectation that they will be hurt and can therefore limit the damage.

To truly be open and trusting of another is a wonderful thing, because only then can we share ourselves with another. It brings understanding and support that we are not alone. But, it is a 2-way street to share ourselves, we gain nothing if the other person we have opened up to does not also share of themselves. To me, this seems to be the basis of true friendship.

My mate, I do not understand how I opened myself to you. Consciously,I never made the decision to let you in past the barriers. Instead, I came to realize that you were there. I know we both were surprised and scared to realize how quickly and deeply we let each other in. I feel that we built something special by trusting one another as we do. We became more than friends, we became soul-mates. We share so much of each other that we are now an integral part of each other.

And because of this we could allow love to grow. I would never have been able to love you, as I do if I did not respect and trust you so deeply.

Love

Love - a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. (Love. Dictionary.com. Dictionary.com Unabridged. Random House, Inc. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/Love (accessed: August 25, 2010).)

I am sorry to say that I never finished the last section about love.

Welcome to My Musings

Greetings,

I created this blog as a place to post musings about my life and the world around me, to help me make sense of the recent changes to my life.  Also, I want to be a writer and hopefully this blog will provide me with an outlet for this desire.

The big change to my life is the recent loss of  my wife.  Her sudden passing has left me lost and without direction.  Right now, I feel as if my life has no reason or purpose. One day, I hope to find some direction and purpose to my life again.